My friend called yesterday saying she's lost her job. How can this happen? She's a beautiful, talented dancer who was hugely admired at school by everyone. Little more than 9 months into her first job and now this. I would love to say I'm shocked but frankly I'm not. The steely composure in her voice as she relayed the pitiful excuses as to why she's being disposed of shocked me more. I know she's relieved as she hates living in Birmingham but she's such a sensitive character and, I hate to say this, pretty insecure, that I braced myself for floods of tears and suicidal declarations from her. Yes i know, shit happens bla bla bla but it got me thinking about how you just never know what's around the corner. This time last year she had achieved her dream and now she's back to square one.
On a brighter note, I am immensely excited about tomorrow. I am meeting friends who I love dearly and havent seen in ages. Literally ages. I have no idea where we're staying for the night, possibly the streets of soho. Whatever happens I have to stumble back to guildford for sunday morning as i need to be in work. As soon as work is finished I'm going straight back to London to spend another evening god knows where. Monday sees another delightful day in London pottering around doing absolutely nothing with friends. I have to pack for amsterdam somewhere inbetween all this.
Boyfriend says he'll call tonight. Ah, the joys of long distance love. Every phone call is like a date, it can make you feel utterly shit if it goes slightly bad and if it goes well, the feeling of joy overrides everything bad thats happened that day. Perhaps thats just my vulnerable reasoning. Its hardly a relationship though. Someone to snuggle up to at night? No. Someone to cook you dinner after a long day? No. Regular sex? Absolutely not goddamit. I really admire those people who make it work though cos it is as hard as they say. When we're together it's amazing (so it bloody should be if we havent seen each other in months) but on the phone, its just....remote..distant. If I've had a bad day and feel like just shouting at someone I cant just vent my frustrations on him (does that make me sound really bad?) as every emotion is heightened in a long distance relationship and it could potentially lead to a huge argument. He's usually very good at calling me but I know if he didnt , I wouldnt mind and that annoys me. I want to mind. When we're together I fall in love with him all over again but inbetween seeing each other I feel like we're just treading water, desperately trying to keep our heads above the tide until we next meet. I really care about him, i just cant understand why im with him...I know i dont want to be with him forever so why am I bothering with all this long distance stuff? Its as though my head is telling me to not bother but my heart is dragging my protesting head all the way to Zurich whenever I have time. I always hated all that head/heart analogy bullshit but here I am harping on about it. What do I listen to? Last time I saw him was in April. It was a heavenly weekend spent at his house in Cambridge. We hired a boat on the river and spent afternoons lazing around in the sun while evenings were spent sipping whisky tucked up in front of the fire until the small hours of the morning. Just talking, laughing, talking. And then he went away again. I am left with rapidly fading memories of that April weekend and desolate phone calls, both of us trying to keep the pieces of our relationship jigsaw firmly glued together. Somehow I fear whether the fragments of our relationship are becoming too obscure to mend.
