I've just finished a book about a journalist who moves to the big apple to work for a national newspaper over there. It was a true story and reading all her adventures has made me want to go there so much. I think it's because her job is also my dream job and living in New York is just one of those things I dream of doing so its made me feel so inspired but at the same time so utterly bored with where I am at the moment in my life. I just want to finish Uni now and be off into the big wide world. I want to be in New York. Actually scrap that, I think I just want to be anywhere else but here.

Tonight I had to wave goodbye to one of my closest friends as she headed home to Australia as she recently lost her job that was keeping her here. It was just so sad. There's a group of four of us who were so close at school and out of all of them, she was the only one who was living in England this last year. With her being unhappy where she was working and me being unhappy at Uni, we both kind of relied on each other this year to keep each other going and we met most weekends in London (even though she worked in Birmingham) as we both miss it so much. I'm not sure how I'll cope next year with all my closest friends living abroad.

When I was saying goodbye to her, I was letting go of the last bit of my old life, the only bit that kept me sane this year. I feel as though I'm all alone now and with no lovely weekend escapes from Uni to London my weeks will drag in an endless blur from one to the next.

She looked so weary. I felt an awful lump in my throat when she looked me in the eyes with such sadness and said how she couldnt believe how different her life was one year on. So much has changed. 12 months ago she was about to embark on an exciting career in the company where everyone longs to work and now she has nothing but a plane ticket back to Australia.

The only consolation I could muster was to imagine just how different things will be this time next year. And then we hugged and sobbed.

Have you ever missed anyone so much it hurts? No, me either. I think thats just a cliche but I do really miss Boyfriend at the moment. I think it's just because I've been so looking forward to the last few weeks together that now they're over I feel completely lost. Why does he have to live in Switzerland? Fucking Switzerland. God, I really miss him

I found myself today venting all my turmoil of University angst combined with sheer boredom at my parents. As I live at home, they bear the brunt of my mood swings. I never went through that whole teenage rebellion stage so I don't feel bad for the odd unreasonable angry outburst like todays. I didnt realise I felt so angry until I was asked how I was and out spilled a raging stream of how, no I was not ok, I thought I had bed sores from lying on the sofa all day and felt like I had cabin fever from being indoors all day. Of course when it was pointed out to me that this was entirely my own choice, that just added to my irritation. So, I find myself bored. And angry, apparantly.

I met a friend from University for coffee yesterday which I assumed would sedate my distress about returning to University but the endless babble of exam results, next years' topics and the first Union party only brought back all the feelings I have relished in escaping from.

I dont get it. Am I the only person to ever loathe University? As my friend enthused about how she couldnt wait for the term to begin I struggled to understand why you would want to give up the joys of holidays, travelling, freedom, London terrace BBQs and earning money in exchange for a grotty student Union and days lost in the stuffy library.

I'm debating what to do for the next few days. I need to decorate my bedroom. I've been collecting bits and bobs from all over in order to make my bedroom a little more inhabitable. Since I moved out at 11 it has become a dumping ground for anything and everything and becasue I've only had to sleep here a few nights it's never really mattered. But now, I need to make it more homely, more me. I am determined to have all sorts of trinkets from different countries fill my room. So far, I have a beautiful box I got from a flea market in Amsterdam, a delicate cream photo frame from an antique shop in Zurich and a small flower bucket from a local market near me along with a vintage looking map of Paris I want to frame and put on my wall. That will keep me occupied for a while.

I don't know why I'm getting worked up about going back to Uni already. I've got about 2 months to go before I return to the dregs of the earth that is University and I'm already feeling anxious. Its as though the last few months have been so sublime, my mind so clear and I am beginning to feel the dark cloud of University edge its way into my blissfully content holiday. The trepidation of University is beginning to rear its ugly head.

I say I dont know why but I have a fairly good idea as to why I'm feeling like this now. I have spent the last few weeks in full reminiscent mode. The weeks have been spent being reunited in London with best friends to celebrate a year since we all left school and went our separate ways. The days were filled with nostalgia, drinking at the same old pub and laughing at the same old jokes. At the pinnacle of this reunion was the school's graduation party. Here, I wallowed in the pleasure of attending the party with Boyfriend. It felt so good to have someone escort me to the station when I had to go home, someone to walk into the room arm in arm with and someone to tell me I looked beautiful even after one too many vodkas. It felt even better to go to bed knowing it wasnt going to be another few months until I saw him again. We've spent the last few days in a lovely country house hotel. After three months apart it all felt strangely familiar to just potter around with him, not doing anything particularly captivating, just mundane pastimes such as reading The Times together and drinking wine. I always feel as though when we've been apart for so long, we shouldnt be reading the papers or watching tv, we should be having endless, deep conversations, trying to fit into a week what we have missed out on for the last few months. He doesn't feel remotely perturbed by us sometimes sitting in silence each doing different things. I am undecided as to whether to be concerned about this. Should I be celebrating his comfort in my presence, the sign intimacy in our relationship? Or should I interpret this as a lack of interest and distinctly poor effort? Either way, any doubts I had as to whether I wanted to continue participating in a long distance relationhip have been quashed by an overwhelming wave of love that has washed over me. I have fallen in love with him all over again. Perhaps it was the way he wrapped his arms around me so tightly on the walk back from the pub and didn't let go until we reached home.

I am now left with an awful sense of emptiness. Thats what I hate about really looking forward to something. Once it's over, I feel so...hollow. And this is why the inkling of angst about Uni is beginning to impair my contented outlook I have reveled in over the last few months. Suddenly the flurry of excitement I have been frolicking around in has settled and paved the way for everything I have enjoyed not being around come creeping back. Infringing on my happy bubble of London, friends, laughter and cocktails is the dismal scene of Guildford, snakebite and textbooks.

Still, one of my friends returns from New York this weekend and I'm off to Zurich in a month so I'm going to focus on that for now and only let myself dread Uni when it really is time to.